Gratefulness... for all big and small blessings.

It's so easy for you to get caught up in a whirl of negativity and fascination with small insignificant things.  And in this process we overlook the many blessings that we have, some of which are so vast and fundamental to your life.  How can we overlook these?

I often find myself focused on the negative and things that don't matter.  I admit it.  And I hate this.  But at least I am aware of it and I am working to fix it, because I can say it enough:  I am truly blessed.  I have so many wonderful things in my life that I need to be thankful for.  I guess the best way to do this, is by starting  a list:

My blessings:

• Ganesha:  He sheds light upon my journeys; new and old, so that I may find the right path and follow it to success.  Thank you Ganesh.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha. 

• My health.  Although I have diabetes, I am still healthy (for the most part) and I am able to provide for myself. 

• My sobriety.  I am thankful that back in 2013 I started having this discussion with myself and I was able to find the strength, determination and the willpower to stop drinking.  In AA meetings, they often talk about the "ego", and yes, this is probably one of the hardest things that a person has to face... your very own ego.  I still argue with mine - it's a work in progress.  but at least I recognized all the bad that alcohol was contributing to my being and it just needed to go.  It all started as a "sober year", and it turned into "I love myself sober. I like this.

• My sister.  It's hard for me to put into word what my sister means to me.  But I can say that a lot of my success and my will to thrive stems from her influence on me.  Not because she has a doctorate; her influence on me started from the time I was a child.  I am so fortunate to have her in my life.  She keeps me grounded.  And I know I can always count on her.  

• My cats.  Gosh, they are a mess. So complicated, but the joy that they bring me surpassed all of the costs and work that comes with them.  They truly make me feel special.  Also, they are part of the reason why I went sober.

• My Job.  I bitch about my job all the time, but I think it's just a "bad habit" that I continue to harbor; because my job is fucking awesome!!  My company has given me a lot of opportunities and has recognized my talent and offers many opportunities for me to peruse.  My job has allowed me to stabilize myself some.

• My home.  I love this house SO MUCH.  Buying a house with my ex was one of the greatest achievements in my life.  It was an accomplishment that I honestly did not expect to achieve.  All it takes is a walk around the house to find places and spots that give me a thrill, a chill and maybe even a tear.  So much of my life has happened here.  I know that I often fight it; and I ask myself about my next moves and how I miss San Francisco, but the truth if that when I lived in SF, I FUCKING hated it!  The dirty, the homeless, the trash, the drugs, the noise, the traffic, and so on - I was always looking for a way out.  Now that I am out; how can I be wanting back in?  Well, I think it's all about how "The grass is greener on the other side".  Yes, I may be far from the hustle and bustle, but sweet Jesus,  where else will I find such a safe place and a mortgage (all inclusive) a bit over eleven hundred?  No Way Jose!  You quit fighting it sister, because this is really good!! 

• Good Friends.  I have been able to build a network of friends that truly care for me and are there to support me, encourage me, mentor me and help me out.  Life, can't be done alone.

These are only a few of the many things that I am thankful for.  It would take me days to capture all of the things; but they are there and I am thankful for them.

Remember to smile and be happy.  Don't waste your day hating and emphasizing on the negative and being pessimistic - these are minutes you will not ever get back, and they were wasted.

September 8th, 2012 - Journal Entry

I need to start getting over this feeling of having been  abandoned.  It needs to end.  I cannot victimize myself; because thankfully, god has blessed me with enough to get on by.  I need to look in the mirror and make peace with the fact that I am alone... but not lonely - those are two different things.  I am strong and powerful and will come out positively from this thing.

Sure, I miss him, but he chose to go.  He has left and he has become emotionally and sexually involved with people and that is a huge sign of having left behind what was "us".  Us is over - and so now... It needs to be "Me"!!

I don't run alone.

Sometimes, we really need to stop and think things thru and not act on a whim.  I can honestly say that I had an Alicia Edwards moment. 

Yesterday I saw my shirtless reflection on the closet mirror door and I thought “Holy shit!  That’s me.  And I look hot!!”  Of course, as we live in a world in which we constantly need to share, update, brag and document… I just had took a picture and I shared it on Social Media.  My ego was up there.  Like, way way up there. 

Then of course I had to take it to another level – because being able to squeeze into skinny jeans size 29 wasn’t enough… although my balls have officially gone on strike and claiming oppression and discrimination.   So, stupidly I went on an 11-mile run in the middle of the day at noon in San Francisco 76-degree weather.  Eventually, I was so hot and sweaty that I decided to take off my shirt. Yes, girl!  You heard right.  MY SHIRT.  So there’s Felicia, in all her glory, running up and down Embarcadero like a crazy deranged woman with her shirt made into a turban.  Towards the end of my run near the Banana Republic headquarters, I ran past their display windows which allowed me to see a very clear reflection of myself.  And there it was… the open and honest truth.   

Yes, it’s true.  I did get skinny.  But I didn’t get “Fit”.  Where there used to be fat, now there is a fold of skin that with each stride I took and bounded up and down, the folds with a mind and will of their own, were going in all sorts of directions that proved the laws of physics and gravity to be flawed.   I nearly fainted; not from exhaustion or dehydration… simply from realizing that I had ran for nearly two hours, in all my glory feeling Olympics and shit with an entourage of skin folds that clapped and flapped for me the entire way.  Well, at least I wasn’t alone.  Right? 

The Deactivation Of Facebook

I have been a Facebook member since sometime on 2007. There is so much of my life recorded there - it's amazing.  Have you ever gone back and looked at your stuff?  Your past posts?  Your pictures?  I cannot deny that it's truly amazing.  For a while, I had been considering letting of my account, but I simply could not get myself to do it because there was so much of my story captured there and I did not want to erase it. 

The Facebook App truly became a day-to-day tool.  I probably paid more attention to Facebook than I did to my partner when we were together, or to my cats.  It became a routine, with habitual stops and checks and so on, it was my Go-To when bored.  It kept my mind busy at some level; or should I say "distracted" because there was times when I just simply could not stay focused and I would be pulled from my tasks to check up on my "likes" and comments. 

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.   A lot.  Along with those changes there were some items that called out for me to question how I have been using Facebook.  Turns out that I may have replaced an AA program with Facebook, I may have also used it as part of my therapy process and support group through my separation.  It made these transitions so much more easier.  At one point my ex accused me of being lonely and alienated out here in Concord.  I did not agree because I had not once felt that way.   It wasn't until I began to analyze my life and the role of Facebook in it, that I saw just how much I had allowed it to influence.  A lot. 

So, now that I am not on it (and it has only been 3 days), I find myself scrambling to find ways to make up for it.  One of the hardest things is that I now have no outlet for my thoughts.  Before Facebook, I would write a lot, and I am sad to say that since 2007, my writing decreased drastically as I no longer had a need to capture anything on paper, nor did I have the time, because both my thoughts and time had been dedicated to Facebook.

I deactivated on Thursday afternoon, and immediately, I found that I no longer had a voice.  Before, anytime that I thought of something or had an opinion about anything, I would intently run to FB and capture it and people would bet involved - typically it was the same 6 - 7 people, but still - there was interactions.  Now?  My thoughts and feeling sort of become "bottled up". 

Why did I deactivate?  I needed a break.  I was overwhelmed with the drama.  This may sign silly to you, but after the release of Caitlyn Jenner's cover on Vanity Fair Magazine, and seeing the out pour of both negative and positive comments - I was done.  I was done when someone I hold dear to my heart jumped on the wagon and started socio-analyzing anew commenting on the award that ESPN had chosen to give Caitlyn.  Bottom line is that I didn't really follow the story, and I didn't care either way... it was to me that it highlighted how people will get sucked into a mindset and say whatever the fuck they feel like saying - ignorant or not. 

That, along with a conversation around favoritism, attitude, drama and alcoholism at the Mint.  I just needed to get way from everyone.   I felt that I had developed such a close relationship with this people and I had divulged so much of myself, that I simply needed to get away.  I wanted to cut the cord.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to breath and start fresh somehow.  I don't need the eyes of these individuals on me... and it had come to be that people were coming up to me and sparking up conversations about stuff they had read about me on FB, even people who I am not friends with on FB and they were offering their unrequested two cents.  It made me realize that I was giving people too much fire to hit me with later.   These people don' know me, they know the Jose from FB and to them, that is the real one - they do not know any better.

In any case, I plan to say off FB until the end of June.  Give time for things to air out.  Then I will reconsider once I have "detoxed" a little bit.  I do have to admit that I miss my "community".

Karaoke, Drama & Learning The Value Of Working At A Young Age.

Karaoke used to be a stress reliever for me.  Then I met the pack of bored suburban ladies that go to ALL the shows out here in the sticks… and, well?  That all changed.  Because the minute you start to make friends, you begin to learn both the good and the bad of those you meet.  Unfortunately, this group of folks out here… they got a lot going on ranging from relationship issues to alcoholism, health problems, body part replacements,  mental issues, children, too many pets, money issues.  You name it.  And don’t get me wrong, I like to be of support to my friends and listen to their woes and give advice; but it’s when things get nasty and complicated when I realize that I don’t want to be part of this. I have my own drama and I cannot absorb, nor own, anyone else's. 

I used to go to karaoke a lot.  Then I stopped going as much, because I quit drinking alcohol and because I just didn’t wanna get sucked into the drama and the gossip and the games. 

Last Friday 1/16, I went to sing at a local spot  where they have karaoke at some hotel’s lounge.  I got there a  little late and apparently, shit had already gone done in the hour that I missed.  Apparently, the waitress had her two young daughters with her that night and when the “singing bitches” arrived, the waitress sent one of her daughters to greet the ladies  and take their order.  The SBs went CRAZY!!  Something about child labor and child services and violations and what not.  I did not find out about this until the day after via some text.  The SBs were mad and upset and going on about how the child should not have been working, particularly because the SBs wanted to order alcohol and the child couldn’t take their drink order. 

I’m sitting here listening to these people preach what’s right and wrong from their high horse and I just wanted them to shut the hell up, mainly because they are always out causing trouble and picking fights with the waitresses and complaining about everything and have even gone as far as reporting a business to the city for whatever violation they claim to have witnessed.  I instantly thought “These bitches are gonna call the city on the spot.  Report this incident to child services or something.”

I had a job when I was a kid.  I always helped out my family here and there with their small businesses.  But one job actually really stands out to me, I was 8 and I used to watch a “movie rental” stand for a lady in the afternoons. I would just have to watch the merchandise and collect payment for when people traded in a BETA movie.  VHS was just getting started.   It was a great experience.  There were good and  bad moments, but I can tell you that at an early age in my life… I started to learn the value of hard working and its rewards, etc.   I’m sorry…  you can preach me all you want about Child Labor laws and all that shit, but motherfuckers…. These obnoxious kids in America are too damn spoiled and simply rotten; they have no respect, take everything for granted and don’t value shit.  To me, the little work that that girl performed that evening wasn’t a  trigger for anger or alarm; instead, an admiration because these are the sort of things that get kids started in the right direction, I think. 

To close this, I just want to say that I won’t be surprised if the SBs call the city and report the incident and get an investigation going.  It’s what they do.  They squeal.  But I sure hope I am mistaken and making assumptions.  Shit, I think I may have become like the SBs!  Talking shit and what not.  LOL LOL LOL

Teach kids the value of hard work early, damn it!!!  My tax dollars can only facilitate minimal welfare dollars. 

Boom.  Bitches!  Bye.

Okay. I'll bite. Things I Am Thankful For.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this.  I give thanks every day for all of my blessings and even for my misfortunes and troubles that encourage me to grow and learn.  Reading everyone on Facebook getting all emotional and shit, I guess it inspired me to make a list of those things that matter to me.  Because today is the 27th of November (2014), I am going to make a list of 27 things I m thankful for, in no particular order.  (thank you Ganesh, for everything.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha).

1. I am thankful for be here and have the chance to experience life.
2. I am thankful for having found the will and the strength to embark on a sober year in order to pull myself together and get to know myself better.  Thankful for being present.
3. I am thankful for my job and for my company.  Becoming a PG&E employee truly changed my life and opened so many opportunities for development and personal/profession growth.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for PG&E.
4. I am thankful for my house.  It symbolizes a lot of things for me; both good and bad.  The house was also a major factor that led to my embankment into my sober year. Also, my mortgage is half of what people are paying for a studio rental in San Francisco.
5. I am thankful for my cats.  They complete both my family and my home.  Without them, this house would just be an empty box.  I come home to them; because they are there waiting for me.  They are also another contributing factor to my sobriety. 
6. I am thankful and blessed for my sister Cecilia.  She has always been my mentor, my friend, my advisor, my mom, and my headache.  She has always inspired me to make something of my self and continue pursuing improvement. 
7. I am thankful for my father.  I owe him everything.  If it wasn't for him, my life would be a whole different mess.  Thank you dad, for all the sacrifices you made for me. 
8. I am thankful for my mother.  I owe her everything.  I never lacked nothing. She has a tough woman, and I am blessed that she gave me life and also made many dreams come true.
9. I am thankful for running.  Running is a window into another place and another self.  I am blessed to be able to run (physically). 
10. I am thankful for my friend Lisa B.  We met at a bar, but our relationship has blossomed into something beautiful, positive and supportive.  We give each other that ear that a friend sometimes needs.
11. I am thankful for my relationship with Michael.  Although it saddens me that we separated; it was because of our relationship and all the good and bad things we went thru that I am here today!!  I would be elsewhere; and probably not a good place. Thank you Michael, and I am sorry for all the fucked up shit I did to you.
12. I am thankful for my friend Claudia.  She's always willing to step up to the plate and help me out, even though her plate is already full.  She makes room for me.
13. I am thankful for my friend Judd.  We both have been thru so much.  We have had our good and bad moments, but we have managed to remain friends in the past decade; thru thick and thin and thru the distance. 
14. I am thankful for my friend Pichona.  That cunt .  She's my Scorpio sister.  We have been buddies for nearly 20 years, and we have managed to deal with each other's craziness and bullshit.  We are always there for each other... well, at least to tell the other how fucked up she is.
15. I am thankful for my ex-roommate Wayne in San Francisco.  When I lost my job back in 2006 and was finishing up my BA at SFSU, he lowered my rent and covered my utilities, even fed me so my unemployment dollars would go further.  It was because of her that I was able to focus on school 100% and I was able to stay in San Francisco.  Wayne runs a safe haven for queers in the Castro; she always takes in these misfits and takes care of them.  A lot of these people would end up homeless or worst if it wasn't for this arrangement, as fucked up as it is.
16. I am thankful for Bart.  Yes, I am.  My commute would be so much longer and expensive if it wasn't for BART.   I am blessed and lucky to have access to such an extensive transportation system.
17. I am thankful for my supervisor Flo at work.  She always sees the positive in me and encourages me to grow and believe in myself. 
18. I am thankful for Jerry B, who gave me a job at PG&E and entrusted me with important tasks that allowed me to shine and market my potential.
19. I am thankful for Alinda M who was my supervisor in 2010 and saw my leadership potential and gave me the opportunity to take on a leadership position at my job, which opened the doors to more opportunities and financial improvements.
20. I am thankful for my Nokia Windows phone.  Such a badass piece of technology.  I don't care what jealous people have to say about the size.  They can suck my left fit.
21. I am thankful to live close enough to San Francisco that I can still be part of a liberal community on some level or other. 
22. I am thankful to live in the United States.  I am not sure where I would be if I had remained in Mexico.  It's true, what they say... in America, your dreams will come true if you work hard at them.  I'm a hard worker, and a lot of my dreams have come true because I worked hard at them.  I'm not done yet.
23. I am thankful for Apple Pie.  As bad as it is for me (my diabetes), it really brightens up my little heart.
24. I am thankful for Karaoke.  It really is the $1 therapy.
25. I am thankful for the music of Billie Holiday, Etta Jones, Edith Piaf, AMY WINEHOUSE, Adele, Jazz and many others.   
26. I am thankful for my therapist Ron who I thought was a douche at first; because he called me out on shit that I did not want to hear.  I wish I had started to see him earlier.  He really helped me challenge myself and open my eyes to the possibility of "what if?".
27. I am thankful for Ganesh.  I may not be Hindu, but he always listens to me and sheds light on my path and removes obstacles in my life.  He has given me the strength to face myself and seek wisdom.

Well, I guess I'll stop there for now.  I'm sure I may have left out other important things that I am thankful for.  Maybe I'll do Part II. LOL LOL

Happy Thanksgiving bitches.

A Letter for Mr. Lundemo.

Dear Mr. Lundemo:

Last month I went to Reno for a visit and I took the opportunity to access some boxes of memorabilia I had left at my sister’s when I left Reno in 2000.  I knew that I would be moving around a bit trying to figure out life and whatnot and I didn’t want to misplace any of these items, which included a lot of college books, high school stuff and other items of sentimental value to me.

Back in high school in my sophomore English class, for one particular project I had built a marionette stage with several marionettes to go along with it, all handmade.  I don’t remember the nature of the assignment but I remember having put in a lot of work and devotion into this project and was very proud of the outcome.  During the presentation of the project in class, you had found the project to be lacking significance and thought, and you called me out on it in front of the class.  Not only was I humiliated, but my artistic talent felt dismissed.  In any case, this event was one of those things that took place in my youth that I couldn’t ever forget.   I excited your English class with a sour taste in my mouth.

You may recall that some months ago, I called you an asshole on someone’s Facebook posting, not realizing that you were tagged on the post.  At that moment, I felt really strong about my comment, but I responded by taking it down and blocking you on FB. 

Let’s go back the box of stuff that I brought home to California.  I started going through my yearbooks to find pictures to share on Facebook and Instagram.  I then started reading the senseless comments my idiotic classmates wrote, of which few were more than “Enjoy your summer.  Call me”.  Blah.  I started to read the comments the teachers left me; some of these were mechanically rehearsed and overdone to perfection, but a few really stood out and were unique and sincere.

I came across the comment you wrote into my sophomore yearbook (1993) right next to your picture.  I am not going to capture it word for word on here, but I will say it was a very nice message.  There was one line that truly stood out to me though; it read:  “I hope you know the difference between good work and superior work.” 

Reading those words was like taking a shot of Tequila.  It burned, motherfuckers, it burned!!!  It burned because I look back at my life today at the age of 38 and I ask myself why I didn’t go the extra mile?  Why did I always take the easy way out?  To just get it done.  You know?  It’s a bad habit I picked up somewhere at an unknown age and it has shaped my life tremendously.  I consider myself a successful person; but then I ask myself, where would I be and how much more successful would I be if I had given everything I did 120% or more?  You know?  Success comes to those that want it and are willing to work for it – the rest of us, well…. We just stay stuck as productive employees of someone.  LOL

Bottom line is that ever since I opened that yearbook, I realized that you had the best of intentions in what you said to me that day about the marionette stage.  It wasn’t about humiliating me or dismissing my work, it was an attempt to propel me higher.  I sort of missed out.  

I’m writing to apologize for having called you an asshole a few months back.  That was uncalled for, especially on someone’s post that was giving you praise for the positive impact you had on his education.  I also want to thank you for what you wrote in my yearbook; 21 years later it surfaced to give me a nudge and help me snap out of a mentally sedentary existence.

Sincerely,

Jose A Leal