First year sober (2014) – It was all about a “healthy lifestyle”
approach and the actual challenge of completing a year without alcohol. People in my social circle; who were also drunks and party animals, did not think I had it in me to make it thru; their lack of faith in my commitment actually became the fuel to complete this goal. The haters motivated me to make it happen, and I did. In addition, and probably most importantly, the reality of my first year sober was an attempt at proving to myself that I did not have a problem with alcohol and that I had it all under control.
Second year sober (2015) – I liked being sober. I was so proud of my achievement that I extended my goal.
But my sobriety evolved from a “health kick” to a “wider lifestyle change” and
questions started to come up. “Why?” “What's the underlying motive?” “How did I misuse alcohol in the past?” "If I start drinking again, would be chaotically the same as before?" There was a need to understand my relationship
with alcohol. As time went on and I was in a healthier mindset; along with therapy, I began to search for an understanding of what and why I had drank the way I had before. Truth be told though, I started having bad bad cravings towards the end of 2015; and a lot of it was triggered by discussions and shares in AA meetings that I went to.
Third year (2016) - I started
drinking a third of the way in (April 17) – and I regret it. I didn’t surround myself with the
right people to encourage my sober journey; instead, I gravitated towards those who I knew would be okay with me going back to the drinking Jose (essentially, the haters; I recruited the haters to help in my sabotage). It had been a very challenging year, in many
aspects. The challenge in terms of my drinking on this third year was identifying with alcoholism. “Am I an alcoholic?” What
is alcoholism? What does it mean for me
to identify with alcoholism? I started going to AA meetings in late 2015 - that was not a good move for me; although it's nice to be surrounded with people that share a same goal, I found there were a lot of influential vibes in this environment, and I know that in part I was triggered by this, and also in part I was encouraged to drink because the mind set of AA is that you take it one day at a time and if you mess up, you start tomorrow again and I took that to heart and as a justification to drink, because I would have tomorrow to begin anew without any guilt or remorse. But that was wrong, because the guilt and the remorse have always been present. Fourth year (2017) - I've committed myself to being sober in 2017. I shared this with my therapy group and the response was very interesting. It kind of blew me out of the water, but at the same time it sort of took me back to 2014. "What's the whole point of being sober for a year? If you are not addressing the root issue?" True. It made me realize that I'd gone back where I started in 2014; making a commitment to myself in a effort to try and convince myself that there is no problem at all. The truth though, is that in the 8 months that I drank in 2016, although the escapades were not many, there where several instances were I totally reverted back to the "Drinking Jose" from back in my San Francisco days. 2.5 years sober meant nothing, and I became proof that the "slippery slope" is real. I'll need to stay focused this year, but I think I need to work on getting down to the root cause of things.
