April 1st 2011 - It was no joke.

On April 1st of 2011, my then-partner and  I closed escrow on the house in Concord.  It was no joke.  A few weeks later after that we would be totally moved out of our apartment in San Francisco and supposed to be starting our new lives in our new home.  We had so many plans and had made so many resolutions to each other and ourselves - we wanted to change.  We knew shit between us was not okay and probably saw the house purchase as an opportunity to start a new - but in reality, it was more of a way of attempting to run away from our problems, not realizing that going to such a far away place from the city would only magnify our emotional states.  I know that I began drinking a lot more and I also started staying in the city a lot with friends; it was my way of dealing with the loss of San Francisco, but what I didn't see was that in this process I was also neglecting my home and my partner and we grew apart very quickly.  A year later, we separated and I set up on this other journey that seems to have started yesterday but that truly began 4 years ago.  Where did time go?  Where am I now?  Who am I?  Why am I here?  Where do I go from here?  Time has lapsed in such a way that I almost can't  account for it, because I really don't know were I has gone.  My ex is a total new person whom I can barely recognize and to whom I have little in common with.  Five years with him and then four without him and I still think about, even though separating was probably the best thing to do... You know, people find themselves in relationships that are simply convenient, not necessarily romantic or happy; but simply... functional.  I don't know what my relationship with my ex was.  Sometimes I want to label it as convenient, because it's easy to find some rational that justifies the failure; but when I allow myself to dig deeper, I remember the happy and meaningful moments and I then I have to be honest with myself and accept that I loved him dearly; more than I ever said and more than word could capture.  I have a history of self sabotaging, and I know that a huge part of my relationship failing had to do with my working to ruin it, because "I don't deserve goodness in my life."

Well, I didn't really know what I wanted to write.  But I needed to write something.  I wanted to capture that fact that I've been aware of the date.  My five year anniversary in this house.  Can you believe it?  I simply do not know what to make of it.