Gratefulness... for all big and small blessings.

It's so easy for you to get caught up in a whirl of negativity and fascination with small insignificant things.  And in this process we overlook the many blessings that we have, some of which are so vast and fundamental to your life.  How can we overlook these?

I often find myself focused on the negative and things that don't matter.  I admit it.  And I hate this.  But at least I am aware of it and I am working to fix it, because I can say it enough:  I am truly blessed.  I have so many wonderful things in my life that I need to be thankful for.  I guess the best way to do this, is by starting  a list:

My blessings:

• Ganesha:  He sheds light upon my journeys; new and old, so that I may find the right path and follow it to success.  Thank you Ganesh.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha. 

• My health.  Although I have diabetes, I am still healthy (for the most part) and I am able to provide for myself. 

• My sobriety.  I am thankful that back in 2013 I started having this discussion with myself and I was able to find the strength, determination and the willpower to stop drinking.  In AA meetings, they often talk about the "ego", and yes, this is probably one of the hardest things that a person has to face... your very own ego.  I still argue with mine - it's a work in progress.  but at least I recognized all the bad that alcohol was contributing to my being and it just needed to go.  It all started as a "sober year", and it turned into "I love myself sober. I like this.

• My sister.  It's hard for me to put into word what my sister means to me.  But I can say that a lot of my success and my will to thrive stems from her influence on me.  Not because she has a doctorate; her influence on me started from the time I was a child.  I am so fortunate to have her in my life.  She keeps me grounded.  And I know I can always count on her.  

• My cats.  Gosh, they are a mess. So complicated, but the joy that they bring me surpassed all of the costs and work that comes with them.  They truly make me feel special.  Also, they are part of the reason why I went sober.

• My Job.  I bitch about my job all the time, but I think it's just a "bad habit" that I continue to harbor; because my job is fucking awesome!!  My company has given me a lot of opportunities and has recognized my talent and offers many opportunities for me to peruse.  My job has allowed me to stabilize myself some.

• My home.  I love this house SO MUCH.  Buying a house with my ex was one of the greatest achievements in my life.  It was an accomplishment that I honestly did not expect to achieve.  All it takes is a walk around the house to find places and spots that give me a thrill, a chill and maybe even a tear.  So much of my life has happened here.  I know that I often fight it; and I ask myself about my next moves and how I miss San Francisco, but the truth if that when I lived in SF, I FUCKING hated it!  The dirty, the homeless, the trash, the drugs, the noise, the traffic, and so on - I was always looking for a way out.  Now that I am out; how can I be wanting back in?  Well, I think it's all about how "The grass is greener on the other side".  Yes, I may be far from the hustle and bustle, but sweet Jesus,  where else will I find such a safe place and a mortgage (all inclusive) a bit over eleven hundred?  No Way Jose!  You quit fighting it sister, because this is really good!! 

• Good Friends.  I have been able to build a network of friends that truly care for me and are there to support me, encourage me, mentor me and help me out.  Life, can't be done alone.

These are only a few of the many things that I am thankful for.  It would take me days to capture all of the things; but they are there and I am thankful for them.

Remember to smile and be happy.  Don't waste your day hating and emphasizing on the negative and being pessimistic - these are minutes you will not ever get back, and they were wasted.

September 8th, 2012 - Journal Entry

I need to start getting over this feeling of having been  abandoned.  It needs to end.  I cannot victimize myself; because thankfully, god has blessed me with enough to get on by.  I need to look in the mirror and make peace with the fact that I am alone... but not lonely - those are two different things.  I am strong and powerful and will come out positively from this thing.

Sure, I miss him, but he chose to go.  He has left and he has become emotionally and sexually involved with people and that is a huge sign of having left behind what was "us".  Us is over - and so now... It needs to be "Me"!!