Sunday, May 5, 2013

This Spicy Flavor Called Anger

The past year has been a journey of self discovery.  It has been a time of facing or suppressing emotions and ugly truths.  I have been successful at dealing with some of them; but i would be lying if I said that I tackled all of my emotions with flying colors.

Part of addressing my emotions has been done through conversations with my ex.  Part of me wants to feel sorry for him because any time that we get together, the conversation always reverts back to our failed relationship and us.  It never fails.  And yet, part of me doesn't feel sorry; part of me wants to ensure that he hears me and that he is aware of my pain and all that jazz.  Well, the conversations always end the same way, with an "I'm sorry", a hug and we both go on our separate ways.  I want to say that I get more "good" than "bad" out of these chats; but every time that we talk, I walk away feeling abandoned and with the gash on my heart torn open again.

I know what you are thinking:   "Girl!!!  It's been a year!!  Let it go!!".     I know.  I am trying to let it go.  I am still working on repairing things, healing parts and to make sense of the puzzle that was left behind know as my life.  I'm working on it.  I really am.  Don't forget that I am Mexican (we savor our heart ache like a shot of good tequila with lime and salt), and I am also a Scorpio (we never get over anything - we dwell until we rot.)

One specific conversation that the ex and I had was followed by a text that said:  "When will you stop being angry?"   My initial response to that was "Bitch, what the fuck do you know about my anger?"   I put the phone away after that and did not reply.  I wasn't happy; although the lengthy text was meant to be supportive, it just made angry.  That's right.  It made me angry, but it also made me think.  The text got me analyzing this anger that I supposedly would not let go off.

It's been days since this conversation took place and a couple of days ago I realized that it was true.  I am angry.  I am very angry.  Fuck, I am very fucking mad crazy angry actually, if you ask me.  I think I may have masqueraded my anger under a mask of "heart ache", or maybe it changed from ache to anger, because right now, if you ask me again how I feel about my separation, I am actually quite bitter.  i am angry that (although I love my house) I got left behind with the house 30 miles from the hustle and bustle.  I am angry (although I love my children) that I was left behind with the cats.  I am angry that I am not the one who got the chance to just throw my shit in a suitcase and walk away.  i did not get a fresh start.  I am mad that I have to sit here and figure out what i want to do with the house; how to get back to the city, if I should even move back to the city... where to go?  why to go?  Who to go to?  Etcetera.  Yes, it's true ladies and gentlemen:  I am a mess.  But that I never denied.  When I started dating last month, the first thing I told the man I was seeing was that i was a mess and that he was welcome to date me... at his own risk.  Oh lord, that's funny.

Anyway.  I am officially an old-angry-broken-and-damaged queen.  However, they do say that in order to fix things, you must first acknowledge that things are broken.  I am working on it.  I will continue to acknowledge my emotions and work on these - if anything, at least I will resurface from this mess a much stronger person, and wiser.   And I will work on no longer being angry and just simply letting go of negative feelings of resentment towards anyone.

Remember; in the end, the only one that ends up losing with anger... it's the angry one.

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