Have you accepted Death as your exit door and savior?

And so Amy Winehouse died from her alcoholism and drug addiction.  Amen.  Rest in peace girl.

And somehow, it just makes sense.  Of course I am upset because I love her music and her voice; but in a way, I am sort of okay with her death, because something tells me that at a certain point, she was done... and so she lived her short life the way she wanted.  And Amen again.

I say that it makes sense because recently it occurred to me, that we all come to a point in our lives when we make that conscious decision of just how long we want to live.  And each of us makes this decision at different times - some young, some old; but once the decision is made, the rest is history.  Some of us decide that we want to live to be 80 and leave behind a legacy of American consumers; others of us... although we don't kill ourselves, we simply... accept it.  The inevitable.  And so I guess some of us die without the body dying?  LOL.  I know, I know.  Makes no sense.

And so when I listen to Amy's music; with that achy voice drowning in sorrow and heartache, I personally hear that "Fuck you.  I'm gonna drink and just curl up and die".   So, she did just that.  The Fame, the money, her family... nothing mattered to her other than love and her substances.  Love came and fucked it all up and the rest was history.  Same for Billy Holiday.  And Same for Edith Piaf.  Sweet Jesus!

I know a lot of people that fit this description.  Young and old, people that have lived; at different paces, and then they make peace with their death - however far or close it may be, or in whatever form that it may come.   At the same time, I know tons of people who live every day in fear of the unknown, avoiding danger and risk at all cost.

So, when I started thinking about Amy's death making sense to me, a lot of other things simultaneously made sense to me.  Writing about this is a little uncomfortable only because people tend to take things out of context and interpret them in different ways.  I will say this right now, loud and clear:   No, I am not suicidal.  Please, don't expect to come find me in a tub full of blood and lavender bubbles.  Go find your fun elsewhere bitches!!

Anyway, when I was a kid, I had a very intense interest in death.  I have no idea where that came from.  So passionate was I about death that I even attempted to kill myself at the age of 10 by mixing some lemonade and some "liquid" my mother had in a jar.  I remember adding tons of sugar to the potion to  make it taste good as it went down.  I drank the minty substance and then went to say my farewells.  As I approached my mother, crying my eyes out and confessing what I had done... she rolled her eyes and embraced me.   I fell asleep and then woke up hours later.  My mother wasn't happy with my efforts to encounter death at a young age, but she knew that what I had ingested (herbal ointment) would not off me!  So, she didn't panic and allowed me to rest.  Amen and bless her heart.  (She was a great mother, btw.)

I never forgot that episode, particularly because I had, without hesitation made that decision to go at such an early age.  I had lived.  LOL LOL.   Now, a lot has happened since that day.  It's been some 26 years and I have done and lived so much and there is nothing I have done in life that i regret doing, both good and bad.  My life has been amazing so far and it would not have been such an amazing ride if anything was to be changed.

When I got diagnosed with Diabetes at the age of 20; I gave myself 20 years to live life before I died.  Damn it, that's only four years away.  BUT, I am okay.  I have made peace with death and when it comes, I am ready.   I only ask for death to come fast and quick, and that there will be someone to feed my cats.  I have no children to leave abandoned behind; nor a wife or a husband to leave with the financial burden and a broken heart.  I have me and when I leave, I will be taking me with me.  Pack light bitch!!

So Queen Death Diva... bring it!!  I don't fear you.

In the mean time, while I await her arrival, I will just enjoy life, travel, have some Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoy all the wonderful things and people that surround me.

Amen.