The Deactivation Of Facebook

I have been a Facebook member since sometime on 2007. There is so much of my life recorded there - it's amazing.  Have you ever gone back and looked at your stuff?  Your past posts?  Your pictures?  I cannot deny that it's truly amazing.  For a while, I had been considering letting of my account, but I simply could not get myself to do it because there was so much of my story captured there and I did not want to erase it. 

The Facebook App truly became a day-to-day tool.  I probably paid more attention to Facebook than I did to my partner when we were together, or to my cats.  It became a routine, with habitual stops and checks and so on, it was my Go-To when bored.  It kept my mind busy at some level; or should I say "distracted" because there was times when I just simply could not stay focused and I would be pulled from my tasks to check up on my "likes" and comments. 

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.   A lot.  Along with those changes there were some items that called out for me to question how I have been using Facebook.  Turns out that I may have replaced an AA program with Facebook, I may have also used it as part of my therapy process and support group through my separation.  It made these transitions so much more easier.  At one point my ex accused me of being lonely and alienated out here in Concord.  I did not agree because I had not once felt that way.   It wasn't until I began to analyze my life and the role of Facebook in it, that I saw just how much I had allowed it to influence.  A lot. 

So, now that I am not on it (and it has only been 3 days), I find myself scrambling to find ways to make up for it.  One of the hardest things is that I now have no outlet for my thoughts.  Before Facebook, I would write a lot, and I am sad to say that since 2007, my writing decreased drastically as I no longer had a need to capture anything on paper, nor did I have the time, because both my thoughts and time had been dedicated to Facebook.

I deactivated on Thursday afternoon, and immediately, I found that I no longer had a voice.  Before, anytime that I thought of something or had an opinion about anything, I would intently run to FB and capture it and people would bet involved - typically it was the same 6 - 7 people, but still - there was interactions.  Now?  My thoughts and feeling sort of become "bottled up". 

Why did I deactivate?  I needed a break.  I was overwhelmed with the drama.  This may sign silly to you, but after the release of Caitlyn Jenner's cover on Vanity Fair Magazine, and seeing the out pour of both negative and positive comments - I was done.  I was done when someone I hold dear to my heart jumped on the wagon and started socio-analyzing anew commenting on the award that ESPN had chosen to give Caitlyn.  Bottom line is that I didn't really follow the story, and I didn't care either way... it was to me that it highlighted how people will get sucked into a mindset and say whatever the fuck they feel like saying - ignorant or not. 

That, along with a conversation around favoritism, attitude, drama and alcoholism at the Mint.  I just needed to get way from everyone.   I felt that I had developed such a close relationship with this people and I had divulged so much of myself, that I simply needed to get away.  I wanted to cut the cord.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to breath and start fresh somehow.  I don't need the eyes of these individuals on me... and it had come to be that people were coming up to me and sparking up conversations about stuff they had read about me on FB, even people who I am not friends with on FB and they were offering their unrequested two cents.  It made me realize that I was giving people too much fire to hit me with later.   These people don' know me, they know the Jose from FB and to them, that is the real one - they do not know any better.

In any case, I plan to say off FB until the end of June.  Give time for things to air out.  Then I will reconsider once I have "detoxed" a little bit.  I do have to admit that I miss my "community".

Karaoke, Drama & Learning The Value Of Working At A Young Age.

Karaoke used to be a stress reliever for me.  Then I met the pack of bored suburban ladies that go to ALL the shows out here in the sticks… and, well?  That all changed.  Because the minute you start to make friends, you begin to learn both the good and the bad of those you meet.  Unfortunately, this group of folks out here… they got a lot going on ranging from relationship issues to alcoholism, health problems, body part replacements,  mental issues, children, too many pets, money issues.  You name it.  And don’t get me wrong, I like to be of support to my friends and listen to their woes and give advice; but it’s when things get nasty and complicated when I realize that I don’t want to be part of this. I have my own drama and I cannot absorb, nor own, anyone else's. 

I used to go to karaoke a lot.  Then I stopped going as much, because I quit drinking alcohol and because I just didn’t wanna get sucked into the drama and the gossip and the games. 

Last Friday 1/16, I went to sing at a local spot  where they have karaoke at some hotel’s lounge.  I got there a  little late and apparently, shit had already gone done in the hour that I missed.  Apparently, the waitress had her two young daughters with her that night and when the “singing bitches” arrived, the waitress sent one of her daughters to greet the ladies  and take their order.  The SBs went CRAZY!!  Something about child labor and child services and violations and what not.  I did not find out about this until the day after via some text.  The SBs were mad and upset and going on about how the child should not have been working, particularly because the SBs wanted to order alcohol and the child couldn’t take their drink order. 

I’m sitting here listening to these people preach what’s right and wrong from their high horse and I just wanted them to shut the hell up, mainly because they are always out causing trouble and picking fights with the waitresses and complaining about everything and have even gone as far as reporting a business to the city for whatever violation they claim to have witnessed.  I instantly thought “These bitches are gonna call the city on the spot.  Report this incident to child services or something.”

I had a job when I was a kid.  I always helped out my family here and there with their small businesses.  But one job actually really stands out to me, I was 8 and I used to watch a “movie rental” stand for a lady in the afternoons. I would just have to watch the merchandise and collect payment for when people traded in a BETA movie.  VHS was just getting started.   It was a great experience.  There were good and  bad moments, but I can tell you that at an early age in my life… I started to learn the value of hard working and its rewards, etc.   I’m sorry…  you can preach me all you want about Child Labor laws and all that shit, but motherfuckers…. These obnoxious kids in America are too damn spoiled and simply rotten; they have no respect, take everything for granted and don’t value shit.  To me, the little work that that girl performed that evening wasn’t a  trigger for anger or alarm; instead, an admiration because these are the sort of things that get kids started in the right direction, I think. 

To close this, I just want to say that I won’t be surprised if the SBs call the city and report the incident and get an investigation going.  It’s what they do.  They squeal.  But I sure hope I am mistaken and making assumptions.  Shit, I think I may have become like the SBs!  Talking shit and what not.  LOL LOL LOL

Teach kids the value of hard work early, damn it!!!  My tax dollars can only facilitate minimal welfare dollars. 

Boom.  Bitches!  Bye.

Okay. I'll bite. Things I Am Thankful For.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this.  I give thanks every day for all of my blessings and even for my misfortunes and troubles that encourage me to grow and learn.  Reading everyone on Facebook getting all emotional and shit, I guess it inspired me to make a list of those things that matter to me.  Because today is the 27th of November (2014), I am going to make a list of 27 things I m thankful for, in no particular order.  (thank you Ganesh, for everything.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha).

1. I am thankful for be here and have the chance to experience life.
2. I am thankful for having found the will and the strength to embark on a sober year in order to pull myself together and get to know myself better.  Thankful for being present.
3. I am thankful for my job and for my company.  Becoming a PG&E employee truly changed my life and opened so many opportunities for development and personal/profession growth.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for PG&E.
4. I am thankful for my house.  It symbolizes a lot of things for me; both good and bad.  The house was also a major factor that led to my embankment into my sober year. Also, my mortgage is half of what people are paying for a studio rental in San Francisco.
5. I am thankful for my cats.  They complete both my family and my home.  Without them, this house would just be an empty box.  I come home to them; because they are there waiting for me.  They are also another contributing factor to my sobriety. 
6. I am thankful and blessed for my sister Cecilia.  She has always been my mentor, my friend, my advisor, my mom, and my headache.  She has always inspired me to make something of my self and continue pursuing improvement. 
7. I am thankful for my father.  I owe him everything.  If it wasn't for him, my life would be a whole different mess.  Thank you dad, for all the sacrifices you made for me. 
8. I am thankful for my mother.  I owe her everything.  I never lacked nothing. She has a tough woman, and I am blessed that she gave me life and also made many dreams come true.
9. I am thankful for running.  Running is a window into another place and another self.  I am blessed to be able to run (physically). 
10. I am thankful for my friend Lisa B.  We met at a bar, but our relationship has blossomed into something beautiful, positive and supportive.  We give each other that ear that a friend sometimes needs.
11. I am thankful for my relationship with Michael.  Although it saddens me that we separated; it was because of our relationship and all the good and bad things we went thru that I am here today!!  I would be elsewhere; and probably not a good place. Thank you Michael, and I am sorry for all the fucked up shit I did to you.
12. I am thankful for my friend Claudia.  She's always willing to step up to the plate and help me out, even though her plate is already full.  She makes room for me.
13. I am thankful for my friend Judd.  We both have been thru so much.  We have had our good and bad moments, but we have managed to remain friends in the past decade; thru thick and thin and thru the distance. 
14. I am thankful for my friend Pichona.  That cunt .  She's my Scorpio sister.  We have been buddies for nearly 20 years, and we have managed to deal with each other's craziness and bullshit.  We are always there for each other... well, at least to tell the other how fucked up she is.
15. I am thankful for my ex-roommate Wayne in San Francisco.  When I lost my job back in 2006 and was finishing up my BA at SFSU, he lowered my rent and covered my utilities, even fed me so my unemployment dollars would go further.  It was because of her that I was able to focus on school 100% and I was able to stay in San Francisco.  Wayne runs a safe haven for queers in the Castro; she always takes in these misfits and takes care of them.  A lot of these people would end up homeless or worst if it wasn't for this arrangement, as fucked up as it is.
16. I am thankful for Bart.  Yes, I am.  My commute would be so much longer and expensive if it wasn't for BART.   I am blessed and lucky to have access to such an extensive transportation system.
17. I am thankful for my supervisor Flo at work.  She always sees the positive in me and encourages me to grow and believe in myself. 
18. I am thankful for Jerry B, who gave me a job at PG&E and entrusted me with important tasks that allowed me to shine and market my potential.
19. I am thankful for Alinda M who was my supervisor in 2010 and saw my leadership potential and gave me the opportunity to take on a leadership position at my job, which opened the doors to more opportunities and financial improvements.
20. I am thankful for my Nokia Windows phone.  Such a badass piece of technology.  I don't care what jealous people have to say about the size.  They can suck my left fit.
21. I am thankful to live close enough to San Francisco that I can still be part of a liberal community on some level or other. 
22. I am thankful to live in the United States.  I am not sure where I would be if I had remained in Mexico.  It's true, what they say... in America, your dreams will come true if you work hard at them.  I'm a hard worker, and a lot of my dreams have come true because I worked hard at them.  I'm not done yet.
23. I am thankful for Apple Pie.  As bad as it is for me (my diabetes), it really brightens up my little heart.
24. I am thankful for Karaoke.  It really is the $1 therapy.
25. I am thankful for the music of Billie Holiday, Etta Jones, Edith Piaf, AMY WINEHOUSE, Adele, Jazz and many others.   
26. I am thankful for my therapist Ron who I thought was a douche at first; because he called me out on shit that I did not want to hear.  I wish I had started to see him earlier.  He really helped me challenge myself and open my eyes to the possibility of "what if?".
27. I am thankful for Ganesh.  I may not be Hindu, but he always listens to me and sheds light on my path and removes obstacles in my life.  He has given me the strength to face myself and seek wisdom.

Well, I guess I'll stop there for now.  I'm sure I may have left out other important things that I am thankful for.  Maybe I'll do Part II. LOL LOL

Happy Thanksgiving bitches.

A Letter for Mr. Lundemo.

Dear Mr. Lundemo:

Last month I went to Reno for a visit and I took the opportunity to access some boxes of memorabilia I had left at my sister’s when I left Reno in 2000.  I knew that I would be moving around a bit trying to figure out life and whatnot and I didn’t want to misplace any of these items, which included a lot of college books, high school stuff and other items of sentimental value to me.

Back in high school in my sophomore English class, for one particular project I had built a marionette stage with several marionettes to go along with it, all handmade.  I don’t remember the nature of the assignment but I remember having put in a lot of work and devotion into this project and was very proud of the outcome.  During the presentation of the project in class, you had found the project to be lacking significance and thought, and you called me out on it in front of the class.  Not only was I humiliated, but my artistic talent felt dismissed.  In any case, this event was one of those things that took place in my youth that I couldn’t ever forget.   I excited your English class with a sour taste in my mouth.

You may recall that some months ago, I called you an asshole on someone’s Facebook posting, not realizing that you were tagged on the post.  At that moment, I felt really strong about my comment, but I responded by taking it down and blocking you on FB. 

Let’s go back the box of stuff that I brought home to California.  I started going through my yearbooks to find pictures to share on Facebook and Instagram.  I then started reading the senseless comments my idiotic classmates wrote, of which few were more than “Enjoy your summer.  Call me”.  Blah.  I started to read the comments the teachers left me; some of these were mechanically rehearsed and overdone to perfection, but a few really stood out and were unique and sincere.

I came across the comment you wrote into my sophomore yearbook (1993) right next to your picture.  I am not going to capture it word for word on here, but I will say it was a very nice message.  There was one line that truly stood out to me though; it read:  “I hope you know the difference between good work and superior work.” 

Reading those words was like taking a shot of Tequila.  It burned, motherfuckers, it burned!!!  It burned because I look back at my life today at the age of 38 and I ask myself why I didn’t go the extra mile?  Why did I always take the easy way out?  To just get it done.  You know?  It’s a bad habit I picked up somewhere at an unknown age and it has shaped my life tremendously.  I consider myself a successful person; but then I ask myself, where would I be and how much more successful would I be if I had given everything I did 120% or more?  You know?  Success comes to those that want it and are willing to work for it – the rest of us, well…. We just stay stuck as productive employees of someone.  LOL

Bottom line is that ever since I opened that yearbook, I realized that you had the best of intentions in what you said to me that day about the marionette stage.  It wasn’t about humiliating me or dismissing my work, it was an attempt to propel me higher.  I sort of missed out.  

I’m writing to apologize for having called you an asshole a few months back.  That was uncalled for, especially on someone’s post that was giving you praise for the positive impact you had on his education.  I also want to thank you for what you wrote in my yearbook; 21 years later it surfaced to give me a nudge and help me snap out of a mentally sedentary existence.

Sincerely,

Jose A Leal

A Letter To Amy The Cat

Amy:

I am not going to beat around the bush and I will get straight to the point of this letter:   I am incredibly mad at you right now.  This is the 2^nd time that you pee on stuff to express your disagreement over one thing or another – I’m not sure where you got the idea that this was acceptable, but allow me to share with you that it is not.  It’s very rude and disrespectful.  

I am very upset because I have taken these instances very personally, especially since I made room in my life and my home for you.  Jimmy also had to readjust his life and my relationship with him was changed by your arrival.  You didn’t just come in and try to find a place to belong; you came in and took over.  You began attacking Jimmy, you started hoarding my attention, you took over all of the toys… and I was able to overlook all of these until the moment you decided that you didn’t like the litter in the box and that you were going to pee on things that mattered to me. 

You pee on several blankets that were of sentimental value to me; you pee on my leather sofas right between the cushions so that the pee would make its way deep into the space between the two cushions and it would be a bitch to clean… I’ve had to live with the lingering scent of you pee that escaped that area when I would seat down to watch TV – then you had to go do it  2^nd time and I finally went and bought Urine remover that is going to ruin the leather sofas for good as it will bleach the leather.  But the one thing that hurt the most was when you urinated on my mattress.  To me, that was the ultimate sign of disrespect. 

You have been a very destructive presence in the house; knocking things off tables and counters without any regard for whether they would break; you’ve chewed on things that were of value to me, you didn’t scratch my sofas…. Even better:  YOU URINATED ON THEM!!!!  I am so furious and hurt and devastated that I don’ know where to begin.  But I do know that your inconsiderate actions have impacted the love that I had for you; I am now resentful of you – and I think what hurts me the most is that you either don’t know or you pretend to not know how I feel.

 I really really value the few things that I own and my old small house and when you target these…. It hurts.  There is nothing worse than coming home to find out that your “beloved” pet has urinated on stuff.  And I know you are not sick – I can tell because you are not lethargic, your eating has not changed nor has your water consumption.  I know you are simply being a bitch and I do not appreciate it. 

I also hope you know that thanks to your actions, I have sworn to never ever again get another cat.  I am going to complete my responsibility with you and my beloved Jimmy and after that, I will not get another cat because the truth is that I simply cannot handle this type of aggression. 

Well, I sure hope you are happy with what you have achieved.

Deeply hurt and angry,

Jose. 

The end of the drunken weekends...

One warm Sunday morning as I was completing my walk of shame back to Concord from a chaotic night out in San Francisco, I opened the door to my house to be welcome by the unconditional love of my two cats. Their food and water bowls were empty and they had been alone for over twelve hours. I stood there; at the age of 36, hung-over and tired as all hell… and I asked myself: “What are you doing?”

It was at this point that I realized that it was time for me to make some lifestyle changes. I decided to quit drinking, not because I had an alcohol addiction, but because I was no longer in a place or in a life that had room for booze and all the bad stuff that it brings along with it.

I made this decision sometime back in June of 2013; and for several months I mapped out how and when I was going to go sober, which was delayed by social events and holidays. I really gave it some thought. So come December 31st 2013, after several “test runs” prior to that during which I remained sober for 30 day periods, I finally knew that it was time. I wasn’t in my twenties anymore… far from it actually; but most importantly was that I was now a person with actual responsibilities, unlike before when I didn’t own a home, I didn’t have a pet, I didn’t have a real job or a career and nothing really mattered. In essence, my past self-destructive behavior didn’t apply anymore. There were things that called for my full undivided attention.

I had become someone new, and as part of that change… I needed to make room for being present. So here, I am; feeling AWESOME! I only wish that I had stopped drinking earlier, but at least I recognized the destructive way in which I used alcohol and decided that I no longer wanted to be that person. Too many wonderful things were happening to me to not be aware of life!

Legends. Part I

I must admit.  I meet the most interesting folk every time I go out in #Concord.  I won't lie and say there isn't a heavy population of white trash that somehow consolidated here - but, it's changing.   In the mean time, I just have to enjoy the view.  

So last night I was at this place called #Legends for karaoke.   I met this really nice friendly couple.  Both in their 50's and amazing singers... and drunk as fuck.

The man, who i will refer to as Richard, asks me why I'm not having a cocktail.  "is that all you're drinking?" as he eyed my soda water.  I shared with him that I was doing a 2014 sober year.  As it always plays out, he asked me why that was and I told him that I just needed to pull myself to together.

He stops.  Takes a sip of his vodka cocktail and sighs.  "A year?  What the hell for?!  i simply could not do it."   Then he goes on to tell me that he was sober for 4 months once; but not because he chose to do it, but because he got a DUI and had to wear a bracelet that would detect any alcohol consumption.

The Irony.   It also turns out that he's a guitarist and him and his wife do a show at this little bar sometimes.   I'm gonna go listen to them and consume some soda waters.  He also offered to learn #Amy_Winehouse music for me to sing and do my little show.   Of all the musicians and performers I know, he has been the only know that has offered to help my dream come true.  A mini #Amy_Winehouse tribute show.

Thank you.   I'm still sober by the way.   Day 123.