Hello. I am about to turn 42 years old this coming up November. I don't feel 42. I might look it, but I don't feel 42 at all. Specially when it comes to the part about how by this age one should have emotionally grown and reached a certain level of maturity. I feel that for me, emotional growth is an eternal process. I am constantly entering new stages in my emotional life. I just recently entered a very challenging and interesting stage, one that I had totally forgotten existed until I allowed myself to feel a little bit of love for someone, allowed myself to reenter my love life.
After my husband of five years and I ended our relationship in 2012, I was left behind with a mortgage and two cats in the suburbs 27 miles outside of San Francisco - a place where I had never envisioned myself ending up at. I was also left with a broken heart that went into some form of emotional hibernation that lasted some six years. I think part of me was sort of hoping that he would return to me? That we would mend things? I don't know. I mean, we really weren't a match at all so I don't know why I would sit and wait for his return for six years. The interesting thing is that I didn't know that I was waiting for him. I thought I had mourned the loss. I thought I had healed and was working on moving on. I guess I was wrong. If you ask me to account for these past six years, the truth is that I cannot. I don't know where and how they went, these years.
Just a few months ago my ex asked me out for coffee to tell me that his new boyfriend and him were moving in together. At first, I did not have any sort of response to this. I mean, I was happy for him and happy that they were taking this huge step together. But about a month later, I began to experience an immense sadness. I had this huge desire to cry like a toddler, but nothing would surface - ever. I tried watching sappy romantic movies, I tried writing and listening to sad music. Nothing worked. I wanted to emotionally purge, but I had a bottleneck in there somewhere holding it all in. It was at this moment that I realized that my relationship with my ex truly had truly ended, he had truly moved on to the next stage in his life... and that I should to. I was finally free.
Then out of the blue enters this kind, handsome, funny and talented friend with a passion for music. And in my fragile (confused) emotional state, I slowly but steadily began to somehow get attached to him, and I began to allow myself to feel the butterflies in the belly for just about anything that he did or said. I lost my damn mind. All of sudden I wasn't in my forties, I was 12 and I was crushing over a boy. LOL Before I knew it, I had allowed myself to fall in love, or whatever you want to call it. I should clarify that my friend is straight, so we were not ever going to get anywhere; but the things that I was feeling for him were things that I had not felt for anyone in a very very long time, and specially not this strong - and lord knows I was craving these feelings. It was very confusing. And Painful. At first, I told myself that I would allow my heart to just feel what it was feeling, and enjoy the feels for what they were. But then all of a sudden I was trapped in a little storm inside of a glass of whiskey that I myself had poured. I had fabricated a complicated love plot inside of my head. Sadly, in a drunken state, I did and said much more than I should ever have and I think along the way I damaged a lot of things - maybe even our relationship, which I truly treasure a great deal. My best friend had warned me "Say nothing." But I did.
What's my point with all this? It's that at the age of 42, I am still growing and I am changing. And so will you. And you may be 60, but you too will fall in love with someone that you may not be able to have - but you will fall in love. But I do believe, wholeheartedly, that people come into our lives to deliver a message and to make us feel things, and so take these "feels" and savor them - they are yours to keep forever! My message? That I am ready to love again.
I want to open up. I want to take risks. I want to be able to surrender everything about me into the arms of someone that treasures me and sees the magical person that I am, flaws included. I've sat back for six years and just lived life day in and day out, sort of waiting for something magical to happen on its own without any effort from my part. I can see that I've wasted six years locked away in my suburban home awaiting for the return of someone who left on a one way ticket. I am totally ready to begin a new. I am ready to let love back in and take some emotional risks and not hide away from the possibility of getting hurt of heartbroken. (Plus, heart breaks are mysteriously delicious, and they trigger your artistic talent. STFU!)
PS: I want to write more. I am going to try and commit to writing one blog each week. Might be random craziness, but at least it will be a writing exercise for me.
