I came to the realization yesterday that my soul and heart have been craving and longing for something. I am not sure what, but I have been numbing this thirst with alcohol and other forms of self-destructiveness - things that made me feel empowered, alive, beautiful... but only momentarily, as once the effect would fade, I would find myself back in that same sinkhole, except deeper.
I occasionally give to the homeless, when I can. I try to give them food first, and money I save for those that are actually working for it, unless I can see that they are mentally ill, then I will give without any demands or expectations. Regardless, I should always give from the heart, not from the mind.
Today, I got off the train and went to get me a cup of coffee at this place on the upper platform of the Embarcadero train station. The Jehovah Witnesses have take over a spot right next to the AMT machine. Today, close to them, hiding behind a large signage was a homeless transsexual. From afar, I thought it was a woman, a tall and thick lady, with her dirty sleeping bag near by. Just hiding there, as if awaiting for someone. At first I thought to give her money, but then I rationalized and came to the conclusion that a sandwich would be a much better contribution, so I bought her a sandwich.
I paid for my purchase and made my way past the Jehovah Witnesses who were not acknowledging the homeless person (whatever happened to Christina kindness so often preached?) I went up to her and I said "Sandwich?" and handed it over. What struck me deep was the look in her eyes as I made my offering, they totally brightened up and sparkled with a little something. Something beautiful. It really moved me.
It moved me. As I made my way towards the escalator, I felt something starting to stir inside me. The look in her eyes had reached inside me and touched something. Climbing the stairs, a woman passed me and said "That was very nice of you." I thank her. And more stuff began to move. I got to my desk at work and I couldn't help it and I began to cry. I'm still crying a little bit. I'm overwhelmed with emotions.
I am thankful for this moment. I am thankful for the opportunity to give, but most importantly, for the opportunity to feel this. I am sharing this with you not because I want to be validated, but because I want you to; if you can, to take a minute and give someone in need a little sign of hope. It's not only going to do wonders for the recipient of your kindness, but also for you!!
