I have been a Facebook member since sometime on 2007. There is so much of my life recorded there - it's amazing. Have you ever gone back and looked at your stuff? Your past posts? Your pictures? I cannot deny that it's truly amazing. For a while, I had been considering letting of my account, but I simply could not get myself to do it because there was so much of my story captured there and I did not want to erase it.
The Facebook App truly became a day-to-day tool. I probably paid more attention to Facebook than I did to my partner when we were together, or to my cats. It became a routine, with habitual stops and checks and so on, it was my Go-To when bored. It kept my mind busy at some level; or should I say "distracted" because there was times when I just simply could not stay focused and I would be pulled from my tasks to check up on my "likes" and comments.
There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. A lot. Along with those changes there were some items that called out for me to question how I have been using Facebook. Turns out that I may have replaced an AA program with Facebook, I may have also used it as part of my therapy process and support group through my separation. It made these transitions so much more easier. At one point my ex accused me of being lonely and alienated out here in Concord. I did not agree because I had not once felt that way. It wasn't until I began to analyze my life and the role of Facebook in it, that I saw just how much I had allowed it to influence. A lot.
So, now that I am not on it (and it has only been 3 days), I find myself scrambling to find ways to make up for it. One of the hardest things is that I now have no outlet for my thoughts. Before Facebook, I would write a lot, and I am sad to say that since 2007, my writing decreased drastically as I no longer had a need to capture anything on paper, nor did I have the time, because both my thoughts and time had been dedicated to Facebook.
I deactivated on Thursday afternoon, and immediately, I found that I no longer had a voice. Before, anytime that I thought of something or had an opinion about anything, I would intently run to FB and capture it and people would bet involved - typically it was the same 6 - 7 people, but still - there was interactions. Now? My thoughts and feeling sort of become "bottled up".
Why did I deactivate? I needed a break. I was overwhelmed with the drama. This may sign silly to you, but after the release of Caitlyn Jenner's cover on Vanity Fair Magazine, and seeing the out pour of both negative and positive comments - I was done. I was done when someone I hold dear to my heart jumped on the wagon and started socio-analyzing anew commenting on the award that ESPN had chosen to give Caitlyn. Bottom line is that I didn't really follow the story, and I didn't care either way... it was to me that it highlighted how people will get sucked into a mindset and say whatever the fuck they feel like saying - ignorant or not.
That, along with a conversation around favoritism, attitude, drama and alcoholism at the Mint. I just needed to get way from everyone. I felt that I had developed such a close relationship with this people and I had divulged so much of myself, that I simply needed to get away. I wanted to cut the cord. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to breath and start fresh somehow. I don't need the eyes of these individuals on me... and it had come to be that people were coming up to me and sparking up conversations about stuff they had read about me on FB, even people who I am not friends with on FB and they were offering their unrequested two cents. It made me realize that I was giving people too much fire to hit me with later. These people don' know me, they know the Jose from FB and to them, that is the real one - they do not know any better.
In any case, I plan to say off FB until the end of June. Give time for things to air out. Then I will reconsider once I have "detoxed" a little bit. I do have to admit that I miss my "community".
