There are several factors that led me to this New Year's resolution, and at the same time, it sort of just happened by accident. I had been considering it, and I even wondered if committing to a whole year of sobriety was setting myself up for failure given that so much of my social life and my relationships evolved around alcohol. Honestly one of the things that kept me from taking this step was the fear of the how my relationships would change if I chose to be sober. I guess the true friends will stick around.
From time to time I have taken"sober" periods during which I do not drink and I allow my body to heal and my mind to clear; but it sort of always ends up back in the same old habits: Weekends at the Karaoke bar drunk off my ass singing the ballads of tortured-bleeding-heart-abused-dead-from-OD-or-alcoholism divas (Amy, Billie, Edith - and so on.)
When you are in your twenties, the drunkenness looks "cute" on you, but when you get older, you do not wear it so well (this is a quote from one of the radio hosts on Alice 96.5, but don't remember whom. Sarah? Vinnie? The fuck.) And so as I began to get closer to my 40's, waking up with a hungover and committing by default to a Sunday in bed and Gatorade - just simply isn't cute anymore. It's a shame.
So, for 2014 i decided to be #sober for the following reasons:
- My body is my temple; not my flask.
- I am diabetic and I really should not be drinking (bad for kidneys, liver, heart, nerves).
- As an old woman, I am now on a myriad of medications which don't mix well with booze - or should I say: They mix too well.
- I am poor and spent way too much making someone else richer.
- I am a driver now - Don't nobody need no DUI.
- My children depend on me. Coming home on the last BART train to Concord to my children welcoming at the door with a "Bitch! Where you been?!" expression on their faces is just heartbreaking.
- Alcohol fuels the other Jose (the destructive one) and I need to dry that bitch up!
- Being sober allows me a clarity of mind that becomes dormant if I consume any level of booze.
- Alcohol makes me fat... well, fatter.
- Alcohol facilitates an excuse to behave recklessly and voids accountability.
- Too many wonderful things are happening to me and I wanna be 100% present for all of it.
- I want to build relationships with people that are based outside of the bar and that are not based on alcohol.
- I've been called a drunk and an alcoholic; mainly because I drank the Kool-Aid and behaved like I thought I was supposed to as a "gay man in San Francisco". I acknowledge that I allowed for things to get out of hand and I am now ready to get back on track.
- I am going to prove to those judgmental mother-fuckers (from number 13 above) that they are mistaken.
- This is about ME; not about you. So don't freak out. I know sobriety makes people uncomfortable; but, i don't expect you to make lifestyle changes. I am making the changes for me. So step away from the wagon bitch!!!
- You will need someone to drive your drunk ass around.
- I want to be in complete control of my person and being at all times.
- To put an end to drunk sexting; drunk Facebooking and possibly even drunk tweeting.
- I want my weekends to be productive.
- To get to know the "real" me a little better.
And so there you have it. i am sure I have a couple more items that I could add on there.
A lot of good things are happening this year; but the best thing happening is loving myself - and not working to chip away at my own core. And, I'd rather sing the ballads of the tortured-bleeding-heart-abused-dead-from-OD-or-alcoholism divas sober, so I can remember the next day just how bad I was. LOL
#Om_Ganeshay_Namah
