Okay. I'll bite. Things I Am Thankful For.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this.  I give thanks every day for all of my blessings and even for my misfortunes and troubles that encourage me to grow and learn.  Reading everyone on Facebook getting all emotional and shit, I guess it inspired me to make a list of those things that matter to me.  Because today is the 27th of November (2014), I am going to make a list of 27 things I m thankful for, in no particular order.  (thank you Ganesh, for everything.  Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha).

1. I am thankful for be here and have the chance to experience life.
2. I am thankful for having found the will and the strength to embark on a sober year in order to pull myself together and get to know myself better.  Thankful for being present.
3. I am thankful for my job and for my company.  Becoming a PG&E employee truly changed my life and opened so many opportunities for development and personal/profession growth.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for PG&E.
4. I am thankful for my house.  It symbolizes a lot of things for me; both good and bad.  The house was also a major factor that led to my embankment into my sober year. Also, my mortgage is half of what people are paying for a studio rental in San Francisco.
5. I am thankful for my cats.  They complete both my family and my home.  Without them, this house would just be an empty box.  I come home to them; because they are there waiting for me.  They are also another contributing factor to my sobriety. 
6. I am thankful and blessed for my sister Cecilia.  She has always been my mentor, my friend, my advisor, my mom, and my headache.  She has always inspired me to make something of my self and continue pursuing improvement. 
7. I am thankful for my father.  I owe him everything.  If it wasn't for him, my life would be a whole different mess.  Thank you dad, for all the sacrifices you made for me. 
8. I am thankful for my mother.  I owe her everything.  I never lacked nothing. She has a tough woman, and I am blessed that she gave me life and also made many dreams come true.
9. I am thankful for running.  Running is a window into another place and another self.  I am blessed to be able to run (physically). 
10. I am thankful for my friend Lisa B.  We met at a bar, but our relationship has blossomed into something beautiful, positive and supportive.  We give each other that ear that a friend sometimes needs.
11. I am thankful for my relationship with Michael.  Although it saddens me that we separated; it was because of our relationship and all the good and bad things we went thru that I am here today!!  I would be elsewhere; and probably not a good place. Thank you Michael, and I am sorry for all the fucked up shit I did to you.
12. I am thankful for my friend Claudia.  She's always willing to step up to the plate and help me out, even though her plate is already full.  She makes room for me.
13. I am thankful for my friend Judd.  We both have been thru so much.  We have had our good and bad moments, but we have managed to remain friends in the past decade; thru thick and thin and thru the distance. 
14. I am thankful for my friend Pichona.  That cunt .  She's my Scorpio sister.  We have been buddies for nearly 20 years, and we have managed to deal with each other's craziness and bullshit.  We are always there for each other... well, at least to tell the other how fucked up she is.
15. I am thankful for my ex-roommate Wayne in San Francisco.  When I lost my job back in 2006 and was finishing up my BA at SFSU, he lowered my rent and covered my utilities, even fed me so my unemployment dollars would go further.  It was because of her that I was able to focus on school 100% and I was able to stay in San Francisco.  Wayne runs a safe haven for queers in the Castro; she always takes in these misfits and takes care of them.  A lot of these people would end up homeless or worst if it wasn't for this arrangement, as fucked up as it is.
16. I am thankful for Bart.  Yes, I am.  My commute would be so much longer and expensive if it wasn't for BART.   I am blessed and lucky to have access to such an extensive transportation system.
17. I am thankful for my supervisor Flo at work.  She always sees the positive in me and encourages me to grow and believe in myself. 
18. I am thankful for Jerry B, who gave me a job at PG&E and entrusted me with important tasks that allowed me to shine and market my potential.
19. I am thankful for Alinda M who was my supervisor in 2010 and saw my leadership potential and gave me the opportunity to take on a leadership position at my job, which opened the doors to more opportunities and financial improvements.
20. I am thankful for my Nokia Windows phone.  Such a badass piece of technology.  I don't care what jealous people have to say about the size.  They can suck my left fit.
21. I am thankful to live close enough to San Francisco that I can still be part of a liberal community on some level or other. 
22. I am thankful to live in the United States.  I am not sure where I would be if I had remained in Mexico.  It's true, what they say... in America, your dreams will come true if you work hard at them.  I'm a hard worker, and a lot of my dreams have come true because I worked hard at them.  I'm not done yet.
23. I am thankful for Apple Pie.  As bad as it is for me (my diabetes), it really brightens up my little heart.
24. I am thankful for Karaoke.  It really is the $1 therapy.
25. I am thankful for the music of Billie Holiday, Etta Jones, Edith Piaf, AMY WINEHOUSE, Adele, Jazz and many others.   
26. I am thankful for my therapist Ron who I thought was a douche at first; because he called me out on shit that I did not want to hear.  I wish I had started to see him earlier.  He really helped me challenge myself and open my eyes to the possibility of "what if?".
27. I am thankful for Ganesh.  I may not be Hindu, but he always listens to me and sheds light on my path and removes obstacles in my life.  He has given me the strength to face myself and seek wisdom.

Well, I guess I'll stop there for now.  I'm sure I may have left out other important things that I am thankful for.  Maybe I'll do Part II. LOL LOL

Happy Thanksgiving bitches.

A Letter for Mr. Lundemo.

Dear Mr. Lundemo:

Last month I went to Reno for a visit and I took the opportunity to access some boxes of memorabilia I had left at my sister’s when I left Reno in 2000.  I knew that I would be moving around a bit trying to figure out life and whatnot and I didn’t want to misplace any of these items, which included a lot of college books, high school stuff and other items of sentimental value to me.

Back in high school in my sophomore English class, for one particular project I had built a marionette stage with several marionettes to go along with it, all handmade.  I don’t remember the nature of the assignment but I remember having put in a lot of work and devotion into this project and was very proud of the outcome.  During the presentation of the project in class, you had found the project to be lacking significance and thought, and you called me out on it in front of the class.  Not only was I humiliated, but my artistic talent felt dismissed.  In any case, this event was one of those things that took place in my youth that I couldn’t ever forget.   I excited your English class with a sour taste in my mouth.

You may recall that some months ago, I called you an asshole on someone’s Facebook posting, not realizing that you were tagged on the post.  At that moment, I felt really strong about my comment, but I responded by taking it down and blocking you on FB. 

Let’s go back the box of stuff that I brought home to California.  I started going through my yearbooks to find pictures to share on Facebook and Instagram.  I then started reading the senseless comments my idiotic classmates wrote, of which few were more than “Enjoy your summer.  Call me”.  Blah.  I started to read the comments the teachers left me; some of these were mechanically rehearsed and overdone to perfection, but a few really stood out and were unique and sincere.

I came across the comment you wrote into my sophomore yearbook (1993) right next to your picture.  I am not going to capture it word for word on here, but I will say it was a very nice message.  There was one line that truly stood out to me though; it read:  “I hope you know the difference between good work and superior work.” 

Reading those words was like taking a shot of Tequila.  It burned, motherfuckers, it burned!!!  It burned because I look back at my life today at the age of 38 and I ask myself why I didn’t go the extra mile?  Why did I always take the easy way out?  To just get it done.  You know?  It’s a bad habit I picked up somewhere at an unknown age and it has shaped my life tremendously.  I consider myself a successful person; but then I ask myself, where would I be and how much more successful would I be if I had given everything I did 120% or more?  You know?  Success comes to those that want it and are willing to work for it – the rest of us, well…. We just stay stuck as productive employees of someone.  LOL

Bottom line is that ever since I opened that yearbook, I realized that you had the best of intentions in what you said to me that day about the marionette stage.  It wasn’t about humiliating me or dismissing my work, it was an attempt to propel me higher.  I sort of missed out.  

I’m writing to apologize for having called you an asshole a few months back.  That was uncalled for, especially on someone’s post that was giving you praise for the positive impact you had on his education.  I also want to thank you for what you wrote in my yearbook; 21 years later it surfaced to give me a nudge and help me snap out of a mentally sedentary existence.

Sincerely,

Jose A Leal

A Letter To Amy The Cat

Amy:

I am not going to beat around the bush and I will get straight to the point of this letter:   I am incredibly mad at you right now.  This is the 2^nd time that you pee on stuff to express your disagreement over one thing or another – I’m not sure where you got the idea that this was acceptable, but allow me to share with you that it is not.  It’s very rude and disrespectful.  

I am very upset because I have taken these instances very personally, especially since I made room in my life and my home for you.  Jimmy also had to readjust his life and my relationship with him was changed by your arrival.  You didn’t just come in and try to find a place to belong; you came in and took over.  You began attacking Jimmy, you started hoarding my attention, you took over all of the toys… and I was able to overlook all of these until the moment you decided that you didn’t like the litter in the box and that you were going to pee on things that mattered to me. 

You pee on several blankets that were of sentimental value to me; you pee on my leather sofas right between the cushions so that the pee would make its way deep into the space between the two cushions and it would be a bitch to clean… I’ve had to live with the lingering scent of you pee that escaped that area when I would seat down to watch TV – then you had to go do it  2^nd time and I finally went and bought Urine remover that is going to ruin the leather sofas for good as it will bleach the leather.  But the one thing that hurt the most was when you urinated on my mattress.  To me, that was the ultimate sign of disrespect. 

You have been a very destructive presence in the house; knocking things off tables and counters without any regard for whether they would break; you’ve chewed on things that were of value to me, you didn’t scratch my sofas…. Even better:  YOU URINATED ON THEM!!!!  I am so furious and hurt and devastated that I don’ know where to begin.  But I do know that your inconsiderate actions have impacted the love that I had for you; I am now resentful of you – and I think what hurts me the most is that you either don’t know or you pretend to not know how I feel.

 I really really value the few things that I own and my old small house and when you target these…. It hurts.  There is nothing worse than coming home to find out that your “beloved” pet has urinated on stuff.  And I know you are not sick – I can tell because you are not lethargic, your eating has not changed nor has your water consumption.  I know you are simply being a bitch and I do not appreciate it. 

I also hope you know that thanks to your actions, I have sworn to never ever again get another cat.  I am going to complete my responsibility with you and my beloved Jimmy and after that, I will not get another cat because the truth is that I simply cannot handle this type of aggression. 

Well, I sure hope you are happy with what you have achieved.

Deeply hurt and angry,

Jose. 

The end of the drunken weekends...

One warm Sunday morning as I was completing my walk of shame back to Concord from a chaotic night out in San Francisco, I opened the door to my house to be welcome by the unconditional love of my two cats. Their food and water bowls were empty and they had been alone for over twelve hours. I stood there; at the age of 36, hung-over and tired as all hell… and I asked myself: “What are you doing?”

It was at this point that I realized that it was time for me to make some lifestyle changes. I decided to quit drinking, not because I had an alcohol addiction, but because I was no longer in a place or in a life that had room for booze and all the bad stuff that it brings along with it.

I made this decision sometime back in June of 2013; and for several months I mapped out how and when I was going to go sober, which was delayed by social events and holidays. I really gave it some thought. So come December 31st 2013, after several “test runs” prior to that during which I remained sober for 30 day periods, I finally knew that it was time. I wasn’t in my twenties anymore… far from it actually; but most importantly was that I was now a person with actual responsibilities, unlike before when I didn’t own a home, I didn’t have a pet, I didn’t have a real job or a career and nothing really mattered. In essence, my past self-destructive behavior didn’t apply anymore. There were things that called for my full undivided attention.

I had become someone new, and as part of that change… I needed to make room for being present. So here, I am; feeling AWESOME! I only wish that I had stopped drinking earlier, but at least I recognized the destructive way in which I used alcohol and decided that I no longer wanted to be that person. Too many wonderful things were happening to me to not be aware of life!

Legends. Part I

I must admit.  I meet the most interesting folk every time I go out in #Concord.  I won't lie and say there isn't a heavy population of white trash that somehow consolidated here - but, it's changing.   In the mean time, I just have to enjoy the view.  

So last night I was at this place called #Legends for karaoke.   I met this really nice friendly couple.  Both in their 50's and amazing singers... and drunk as fuck.

The man, who i will refer to as Richard, asks me why I'm not having a cocktail.  "is that all you're drinking?" as he eyed my soda water.  I shared with him that I was doing a 2014 sober year.  As it always plays out, he asked me why that was and I told him that I just needed to pull myself to together.

He stops.  Takes a sip of his vodka cocktail and sighs.  "A year?  What the hell for?!  i simply could not do it."   Then he goes on to tell me that he was sober for 4 months once; but not because he chose to do it, but because he got a DUI and had to wear a bracelet that would detect any alcohol consumption.

The Irony.   It also turns out that he's a guitarist and him and his wife do a show at this little bar sometimes.   I'm gonna go listen to them and consume some soda waters.  He also offered to learn #Amy_Winehouse music for me to sing and do my little show.   Of all the musicians and performers I know, he has been the only know that has offered to help my dream come true.  A mini #Amy_Winehouse tribute show.

Thank you.   I'm still sober by the way.   Day 123.

How I allowed one drunk man to ruin my night...

I really believe in supporting my community and trying to leave as much of my money here in Concord and the East Bay as i can.  San Francisco and Oakland have a massive population and wave of support and will never suffer without my financial investments.

Having said that, yesterday Saturday (4/5/14), I decided to go to Armando's in Martinez for some Jazz.  I found this little dingy bar that hosts a lot of musical events every day of the week.  I liked it.  It was fun.  The music was great.  The People?  Not so much.  I think it's one of those establishments that has a set of regulars that attend the events and so when a new person comes in - they panic?  I don't know.  People were not that friendly.  Regardless, I had a good time.  Didn't get to dance though.  (Let me just add that I was wearing daisy-dukes, a stripe shirt and wedges with my tattoos exposed - not that what I wear should define me, but I knew that i would raise some eyebrows.)

So that when the event was over, it was around 10 PM and I was ready to party.  And I decided that I was going to drive back to Concord and go sing karaoke.  I had to options, I could go to The Office (which is a total dive bar, white trash as hell, but people are friendly, regardless of how trashy the place may be) and the other options was Captain's Chest - that place is tiny and you really never know who is going to be there, either locals, regulars or the young drunk crazy people - It can be fun; but it's really hit or miss.

Anyway, I had not been to Captain's Chest in over a year, so i decided to go and make an appearance.  When i got there at almost 11; the place was packed with drunk young people from Walnut Creek (Sup Bro?) with a dash of old-timers here and there.   I put my song in and got up to sing "Mustang Sally", and the crowd appreciated it, they sang the chores and clapped and all that jazz.  At one moment I was in line for the bathroom and this guy came over and said to me "You are back on the line?" and I thought he was referring to the bathroom line, so i said "Excuse me?", and he replied, "to sing.  Are you back on the line to sing?" and so I giggled and said "Yes" to which he responded with "Yeah!!  Cuz you're fucking awesome."   "Thank you" I replied, and he followed with "You're welcome".  He was nice.

So,  I drank more soda waters and waited for my turn while I debated what to sing.  Between the "You're fucking awesome" and my turn to sing, there was a shift in clientele, some cool people left to be replaced by some really invasive trashy drunk people.  I could feel the change in the place.  It turned a bit "harsh".  I just ignored it and minded my own business.  Some guys started to sing songs that would be labeled as "Gay"; for example:  I will survive.  i will always love you.  It was my turn then to raise an eyebrow?  I interpreted this as a form of mockery towards me.  Maybe I was being paranoid.  I don''t know.  

Then i was my turn to sing.  I had spent the last hour thinking of what i would sing and do a crowd-pleaser.  People were having fun and stuff and I wanted to keep the mood going.  One lady commented on my voice and how nice she thought it was that i opted out for a Joss Stone and try to showcase my beginner vocals so more.

As I was getting up to the microphone and told the KJ what I wanted to sing.  I heard a "What the fuck?!!!" from the table in the front close to the mic.  I loved over and i saw this white man in this forties smirking and pointing in my direction and the whole table was huddled around his comments.  I got uncomfortable, but I just decided to let it go and sing my song.   I believed that once i started singing Joss Stone's "Right to be Wrong" was going to make everything alright.

I started to sing.  The music was not that loud and so I felt I had to overcompensate vocally -which is truly not my strength.   Anyway, two verses into the song, the "What the Fuck" decides that he is going to come up to me.  He walked up to me and got about six inches from my face, as if he was going to ask me a question or have a conversation with me.  I simply stopped.  i didn't panic, but I just did not tap into my cleverness or defense bitchiness.  I stopped and said "HI?".  Then everything else happened so fast, the KJ was on her feet and on her way over and took the drunk back to the table and I simply put the microphone back on it's holder and I looked at the other KJ and said "It's okay."

I went back to my table.  The 70-year old lady whose name was Dolores, with the corona and half a stick of eyeliner said to me "that's a shame.  i was really enjoying that song."  

The KJ came up and asked me if I wanted to sing in a little bit, but I thanked her and declined and i realized I was ready to leave.  And so i said goodbye  to Dolores and agreed to go salsa dancing with her one day and I left the place.

As I walked out the door of the Captain Chest's, I realized more and more how I didn't fit in At All.  You know, I've had some good times there, met some great people... but I've also had my shares of moments of judgement from others and at another time one drunk straight dude came up to me and started humping me while I was singing Adele.... really?  what the fuck?  When did it become acceptable for gay men to be this physically accessible to drunk people?  Oh... wait, let me rethink that questions.

So, I left the place and as i was driving home, it was then that I realized how angry I was.  And how far back into my past this experience had taken me!!  I don't even really remember that last time that someone had made me feel so targeted and isolated...  I think the last time was in high school when some guy named Jeff told me that my boobs were so big that I needed a bra! (I was an obese kid.).

Anyway, last night was a productive night out in my community - but this man ruined it for me.  When i got home I found myself saying that i wish I had just stayed in.  :(  

But, I will heal from this experience and i will fix shit; and I refuse to allow this one mother fucker to ruin my view of my community and I will learn from this, i cannot allow some drunk asshole to ruin my night... any night.  Fuck him.

A Letter to Self

Dear Self:

I hope that when you get this letter you find yourself in good spirit and in great health.  I am writing to you to tell you something that I don't often say to anyone, or that I had held back on vocalizing for quite some time and that I should say more often:

I love you.

I do.  And along with this confession, I am writing to also ask for your forgiveness.  I want you to forgive me for the many years of neglect that i have put you through.

Please forgive the many years that I neglected loving you because i was too busy loving someone else - or thinking that i did.

I am sorry for changing in my attempts to become the person I thought others wanted me to be, instead of the person that i wanted to be.

I am sorry for all of the bad things that I put you thru in an effort to distract the mind and sedate the heart.  I am sorry for all the booze; for all the men, and for the many ways in which I neglected our body which include poor eating habits and lack of rest and so on.

I am also sorry for allowing myself to be foolish and give strangers more importance than the family.  Your family is amazing and they are there for you.  In good and bad; they'll be there for you.  You should too.

I am sorry to keep on torturing you with thoughts of what is no longer.  I know you are ready to move on and you want to be happy - i am sorry for being an asshole and always finding ways to revert back to square one.

I am sorry for holding you back and for inventing a myriad of excuses and threats to keep you where you are.  You deserve so much better than this and your potential is endless.  You should ignore me and tell me to shut the fuck up and go seek your life.

I am sorry for the anger.  I am sorry for the fear.  I am sorry for the sadness.  I am sorry for the many times that I made irrational decisions that had huge impacts on your future, which I often masqueraded as "You only live once" but in reality, I was acting on a level of self-destructiveness and unconsciously working on sabotaging your positives steps forwards.

I am not a good self.  But you are.  I am empowering you to fulfill your outmost possible potential!!  Please forgive me for all the wrong i've done to you.... and please, go on.  Quit nurturing me.  Take the reins of your life and gain complete control.  Leave me behind to wither and perish; like a cancerous tumor that must be cut off from the blood supply.  Go, make our life.  Make it happen.

Again, I am sorry for any ache and harm I've caused.  I love you and wish for nothing more than the very best for you.

Sincerely,

Your other self.

Why I am embarking on a #sober 2014.

Today Wednesday 1/8 is my 8th day of this self imposed sobriety period of one year - with the intensions to not return to it.  I know that making a commitment to a year's abstinence from ANYTHING seems pretty damn lengthy, but...  

There are several factors that led me to this New Year's resolution, and at the same time, it sort of just happened by accident.  I had been considering it, and I even wondered if committing to a whole year of sobriety was setting myself up for failure given that so much of my social life and my relationships evolved around alcohol.  Honestly one of the things that kept me from taking this step was the fear of the how my relationships would change if I chose to be sober.  I guess the true friends will stick around.

From time to time I have taken"sober" periods during which I do not drink and I allow my body to heal and my mind to clear; but it sort of always ends up back in the same old habits:  Weekends at the Karaoke bar drunk off my ass singing the ballads of tortured-bleeding-heart-abused-dead-from-OD-or-alcoholism divas (Amy, Billie, Edith - and so on.)

When you are in your twenties, the drunkenness looks "cute" on you, but when you get older, you do not wear it so well (this is a quote from one of the radio hosts on Alice 96.5, but don't remember whom.  Sarah?  Vinnie?  The fuck.)  And so as I began to get closer to my 40's, waking up with a hungover and committing by default to a Sunday in bed and Gatorade - just simply isn't cute anymore.  It's a shame.

So, for 2014 i decided to be #sober for the following reasons:

1. My body is my temple; not my flask.  
2. I am diabetic and I really should not be drinking (bad for kidneys, liver, heart, nerves).
3. As an old woman, I am now on a myriad of medications which don't mix well with booze - or should I say:  They mix too well.  
4. I am poor and spent way too much making someone else richer.
5. I am a driver now - Don't nobody need no DUI.
6. My children depend on me.  Coming home on the last BART train to Concord to my children welcoming at the door with a "Bitch!  Where you been?!" expression on their faces is just heartbreaking. 
7. Alcohol fuels the other Jose (the destructive one) and I need to dry that bitch up! 
8. Being sober allows me a clarity of mind that becomes dormant if I consume any level of booze.
9. Alcohol makes me fat... well, fatter.
10. Alcohol facilitates an excuse to behave recklessly and voids accountability.  
11. Too many wonderful things are happening to me and I wanna be 100% present for all of it. 
12. I want to build relationships with people that are based outside of the bar and that are not based on alcohol. 
13. I've been called a drunk and an alcoholic; mainly because I drank the Kool-Aid and behaved like I thought I was supposed to as a "gay man in San Francisco".  I acknowledge that I allowed for things to get out of hand and I am now ready to get back on track. 
14. I am going to prove to those judgmental mother-fuckers (from number 13 above) that they are mistaken.  
15. This is about ME; not about you.  So don't freak out.  I know sobriety makes people uncomfortable; but, i don't expect you to make lifestyle changes.  I am making the changes for me.  So step away from the wagon bitch!!!  
16. You will need someone to drive your drunk ass around.  
17. I want to be in complete control of my person and being at all times.  
18. To put an end to drunk sexting; drunk Facebooking and possibly even drunk tweeting.  
19. I want my weekends to be productive.
20. To get to know the "real" me a little better.

And so there you have it.  i am sure I have a couple more items that I could add on there.  

A lot of good things are happening this year; but the best thing happening is loving myself - and not working to chip away at my own core.  And, I'd rather sing the ballads of the tortured-bleeding-heart-abused-dead-from-OD-or-alcoholism divas sober, so I can remember the next day just how bad I was.  LOL  

#Om_Ganeshay_Namah